Training Planning

I seriously need to get in better shape; really let myself go the past few years; I'm 5'9" and only 146 pounds when I should be closer to 165-175 lbs. I don't really sleep, I barely eat, don't take care of my hygiene nearly as well as I should be, and I'm a chain-smoker on top of it all; I'm somewhat of a wreck; if someone attacked me at this point, I wouldn't be able to fight back effectively, and would probably just have to shoot them lol. I'd like to change that, so I've decided to slowly start building my library of training manuals back up again; the old library is still back an Alaska with my father; most of them were his anyway; military manuals, guerilla warfare manuals, fitness manuals, shooting manuals, explosves manuals, auto-repair manuals, history books, famous classics, etc. etc. He just let me keep them all in my bedroom to study for about seven years after I got back from Utah; helped make the bedroom look more adult too, seeing as they'd never bothered to change anything about it since I was a twelve year old; it was kinda surreal going back in there for the first time again at the age of seventeen.

The first books I'm starting with were both gifts; the first one from my father while I was away in Utah, and the second one from my second-to last therapist in a line of fourteen different therapists over the years; he was probably my favorite though; he was almost like a second father figure; or one that I never really had as a kid. 

"Special Ops Fitness Training: High-Intensity Workouts of Navy SEALs, Delta Force, Marine Force Recon, and Army Rangers" written by Mark De Lisle this book sadly had my number sharpied onto it in the inside cover back in Utah; our number was written on everything we ended up owning or brought with us; helps keep track of it supposedly. Also helps to slowly dehumanize you long after you've left the place. 

And the other book:

"Eat Right 4 Your Type: Fully Revised With 10 Day Jumpstart Plan" written by Dr. Peter J D'Adamo.

Your inability to deal with everything is stimulating your sympathetic nervous system, it make you eat less. Getting control of your feelings should be top priority if you want to get in shape. Will be easier somewhere else.

Lol, controlling one's feelings is no different than repressing one's feelings; I've tried that, and it works horribly, and everyone else I observe controlling their emotions are wound really tight, like they can go from perfectly serene and calm to BLAM! Murder spree! Lmao. 

What I'm actually doing instead, is embracing my emotions; that made me see things a lot more clearly after letting it all out, ( been going to a lot of AA meetings and CODA meetings; it's kind of like church but with swearing. =P ).

And nope; not being within the community in some fashion isn't good with me; I'm not really interested in other people because the majority of them just seem like fucking mindless zombie slaves to me; RLSH tend to think more outside the box and follow their hearts. Vastly more interesting in my opinion. I'm not going anywhere.  

Thanks for the concern though lol.

You should consider therapy or social skills training. Learn some self-regulation. Controlling emotions is not the same as repressing it. It's more about making room for rationality when your emotions are strong. As an example, decide not to post when you feel like you're in a (hypo?)manic state.

But that's the thing; I already AM in therapy lol. My therapist has actually been one of the primary reasons I was able to stop seeing myself as evil; she convinced me that I'm not actually crazy and was simpy letting everyone else define me, (specifically Provo Canyon School). Took me a while to she that she was right; I'm really not as nuts as I or others have been led to believe. 

And personally, I'm pretty sure I'm as rational as I can be. If anything, I could do with being a bit less rational. This whole thing with Utah is basically one giant equation to me; a mass chess board. I look at it like it's a cross between a puzzle and a war. I've seen all the angles and all the moving pieces. My next decisions are truly based on nothing but pure rationale and deductive reasoning. I'm certain that it's others who need to actually take a closer look at the situation and everything that would really be necessary to effect a noticeable change of any kind, and then how many years it would take before your requests would ever get answered to, if anybody even bothers with it at all; they have bigger fish to fry. I've spent years in political and legal environments; their hands are well and truly tied by their own agendas, money problems, and mountains of regulations surrounded by red tape; it is a giant "fuck-you" middle finger to all those kids who are suffering at the hands of people like PCS. 

The rational thing to do would be to not waste anymore time bothering with politicians and lawyers, and simply attack the problem directly, hitting them where it hurts: Their checkbook. 

Now see, if I gave a true shit about vengeance, I'd just get a sniper rifle and start killing everyone who works in that hellhole, not even bothering to think about the kids. Fortunately though, I'm not actually a rage-fueled psychopath, contrary to popular belief.  =P

As an ACE certified personal trainer and group exercise instructor, I am happy to guide you.

I do not charge RLSH.

It matters for us to be, and stay, healthy.